The whole night i couldnt sleep again.. My mind keep thinking about so many things.. I guess i need some time to forget this sadness. Yesterday night i listen to Umizaru song again. When i was listening to Umizaru song, my mind think about our relationship. I wanted our relationship to be as strong as Daisuke and Kanna. I really wanted our love to be pure. I wanted our love to be Pure in marriage life and also in God's eyes. I miss Ken so much but at the same time my heart is trying to safeguard my feelings towards Ken.
This morning when i wake up, i look at the mirror, i really look terrible. My eyes is just so red and i look so tired. I know i am tired but i cannot sleep. I just hope i can have a good sleep and forget all things when i wake up. I cough so much today, my heart feel pain and my head feel pain. Even when i stand up, my legs feel weak and i feel anytime i can fall down. Since i got hurt in my heart, i started to stop eating, i stop drinking, i stop sleeping. I blame myself for having such a good memory. Since i was child i always have good memory. I know i will remember this Thai girl story for the rest of my life. I feel so sad even thinking now.
Even now when i hear about the word "Thai" my heart just jump so fast. I get nervous hearing about this word. Now i am starting to avoid eating Thai food, Stop buying Thai things, and i even hate the country now. I dont know why i am like that. I just cannot accept that my future husband decided to go out with another girl and never care for my feelings. The worst part is that when i ask my future husband about it, he didnt even think of telling me the truth. In my mind i wonder if i am important to him or our relationship is really important?? I ask myself this questions but i cannot even find a answer to it.
Not only Thai word that is affecting me. I started to hate "Fireworks" i started hate to see the beautiful Fireworks. Since i was child i always love Fireworks because i think its so beautiful. Its just like thousands of stars dancing in the sky. But now I HATE IT!! I HATE IT!! I HATE IT!! In my whole life i never want to see FIREWORKS again!!
I worry i will start to hate Japan. I really Worried. In my mind, i was thinking, i never want to visit this Hanabi Fireworks place in my entire life. I dont want to go there and imagine Ken meeting them there. I am silly, but my mind just cannot forget this "Thai, Fireworks, Hanabi place.
I dont know why my tears drop out from my eyes.. These few days i cannot stop crying.. I feel my eyes is going to be blind soon.
I wish i was BLIND so that i didnt see the email. I really wish i was BLIND. If i were BLIND i can still continue to become a happy girl and was preparing for my marriage day.. But now.. In my heart, i just wish i can take my heart out and just throw it at the OCEAN! I wanted the ocean to wash my heart away. I just have this feelings..
Ken, you are not Yuri, you just dont know how i feel. You know i love you too much and you are more important than my life.. you know that... But this time i got hurt too much. Do you know in my feelings i just wish i was dead. In death condition i dont feel anything..
I really dont want everyday i wake up on bed looking at you and worried who will you go out with.. I am sorry i make you feel like you are bad person. Do you know in my heart you are NEVER a bad person. You are always a Loving, Caring, Understanding and a Wonderful Future Husband for Yuri. Even now my heart is so pain i still Love you. Maybe i am a naive girl, or maybe i am not a smart girl, but i just cannot hate you. I still love you so much now.
I remember that when i was sick, Ken is there for me. I remember when i was facing difficulties with my work travel company, Ken is there for me.. I remember when i am facing difficulties with my boss, Ken was there for me.. I remember i change my job to smaller company, my salary so little Ken was there for me.. He even send money for me so that my life in Malaysia is better. I remember my parents dont trust Ken.. Everyday i facing difficulties from parents and parents want to introduce other guys for me and want me to marriage soon, but Ken was there and wrote my parents a letter. I still keep this letter. I read the letter that Ken send to my parents everytime i feel weak. That letter is so important to me and is the most expensive treasure in my life. After my parents read Ken's letter my parents trust Ken and also start to love Ken so much. Everyday my mother ask about Ken. And sometimes if Ken not feeling well, mother will be worried of Ken. At that time i was most happy girl. Then later i lost my job again and i didnt have job for few months. That few months every night i cannot sleep. Every night i cry because i worry what will happen to me. Sometimes i will phone Ken and cry when talking on phone to him.. Ken was worried. He decided to send money to me. I still remember clearly the first time i received money from Ken. In my heart i was so happy. I was happy,not because i received money from Ken. But its because Ken thinking of me.. Ken is having more responsibility on Yuri. When i look at the money Ken send me, tears flow from my eyes. Those are the happy tears that Ken promise me. He always say, he dont want me to cry sad tears anymore. He wants me to be happy and smile more and even if i cry, it will be happy tears. At that time in my mind i was so lucky to meet so good guy and i know he will be a very good husband. He is the husband that i choose for the rest of my life.. I know that in my heart.
This morning i go home. Mother saw Yuri condition not good. But mother was busy in Kitchen today. I quickly go to my room. I feel i'm like a crazy person. I quickly open my wardrobe and take all the dress and shirt that i buy in Thailand. I take the bags, the dolls, and everything that i buy in Thailand. I throw them all in the rubbish bag. In my mind thinking i dont want to have any Thailand things in my room anymore. I took out my photo album and remove all the photo's that i take in Thailand and throw them into rubbish bag together with all my thailand things. I cannot control my feelings and cry. I bring all the thailand things out from my room and i throw it outside from my house. Today the Garbage truck will come and collect the rubbish in my mind thinking. Taro looking at me and he wonder what happen to me. Taro was scare and sit on floor looking at me.
Mother hear Yuri going outside of house. Mother call me to Kitchen and make me sit and drink some tea. Mother ask Yuri what happen and why i throw all my Thailand things out? I cry and tell mother that i never wanted to hear Thai word, and i dont anything from Thai anymore. Mother quickly ask me what happen. At that time i didnt want to tell mother, then mother ask, "Is it because of Ken?" when i hear mother say that, i cry and tell mother everything. Mother listen to what i say and also read the email that Ken send to Yuri. Mother sitting on chair and think... Suddenly mother say.. I think Ken is Not bad guy. Since Ken and Yuri have plan marriage in 2010 then you should forget all this things. Mother ask me if i love Ken. I answer mother that i love Ken .Mother say, if you love Ken then you must forget all things and give him a chance to prove it to you that he is not playing with your love.
When i hear what mother say, in my mind i start to miss Ken.. I wanted to talk to Ken. But i know i cannot because now Ken is working and I remember yesterday night Ken say he have important discussions today. So i must not disturb him.
Ken.. Yuri already make decision. I forgive you. I want to continue our relationship. I keep my promise to you and forever. Please also keep your promise to Yuri too. I will be a good wife to you.. But please also be a good husband to Yuri. A good father to our Taro too..
I love you.
Your Yuri.
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